Con't to a mother in desperate need of answers.

I don't think you should argue your son out of going. He's taking a stand against his sister and supporting you, which a son should do. He sounds like a wonderful person. I don't think he'll regret it. You don't have to go to an event just because you're invited. Not going is making a statement. Going would be condoning it, which he doesn't. By putting your husband's name on the invitation and leaving yours off, you're being insulted and disrespected. I'm amazed that since you're still married that your husband would do this to you. I wouldn't tolerate it. It's obvious that you're in a lot of pain and I think you need to speak to someone to figure out where you want to go from here. I believe your daughter will have to suffer before she sees the light, and she may never get there. You can't help her; you can only help yourself. What she's going through is commonly called Stockholm syndrome. The victim identifies with and bonds with their tormentor. Try to get stronger and let go for now. You really need to deal with that asshole husband of yours.

have you heard the serenity prayer: god (or whoever)grant me the strength the change the things i can, the serenity to accept the things i cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference. these are great words to live by, whatever your religious o life beliefs.

things you cannot change: the past. your daughter's plans.

things you can: your living situation with a husband who so thoroughly disrespects you. your feelings and turmoil.

it is sometimes hard to accept that we can change our feelings and reactions, but we can. some people call it "doing my affirmations." some people call it "cognitive therapy." whatever. you need to see a therapist and get some help getting perspective and emotional strength back.

and if you need an answer as to why your daughter can treat you like this...look at how your husband treats you.

what it comes down to is this: this is clearly a very complicated situation. odds are, everyone has some fairly major things to be pissed off about. to deal, you need to get yourself some help, get yourself together, and go from there deciding how much repair you want to do and how to go about it. let us know how things go.

Thanks for the update. I feel for you, I really do. I have a sister in a very similar situation. She walked into a marriage with a control freak who has isolated her from her family and is now suffering for it. You learn that there is nothing you can do but be available to help if and when things fall apart.

You can't stop what is going to happen tomorrow, but you can stop trying to fix and control what you have no power over now. The only person you have power over, the only person you can control, is yourself (and even that is not easy). Stop trying to force people to attend your daughter's wedding, remove yourself from this equation and take care of yourself.

If you haven't called a counselor for an appointment yet, I would suggest getting in touch with a crisis line. They can help you get through the day tomorrow or may even be able to give you the number of a counselor who will speak to you immediately. Follow up with regular counseling sessions to work on forgiving yourself and getting your own life under control, including your marriage.

I agree with the other poster who said your daughter may have learned her disrespectful behavior towards you from her father. She may also have learned that its ok to be mistreated by men from the same source. Your son seems to be a good man, don't encourage him to disrespect you.

No matter how frantic and desperate you are, there is nothing you can do about tomorrow - but how you react to it you do have control over, if you reach out to the right people for help.

I would like to add something. When my oldest daughter was 15, she assaulted me when I tried to stop her from leaving the house at 11 pm on a Saturday night. My then-husband was able to restrain her, but she wolluped me good. On Monday morning, I called the sheriff, and they told me to contact the lady who handles juvenile services. She told me to bring my daughter in for an interview to decide her fate. With the sheriff standing there, she decided to keep her fresh mouth, so they sent her to the Youth Detention Center until she got a hearing. From there, the judge determined she should do six weeks. (She was doing drugs, skipping school, running off, etc.) I wanted her to go to boot camp after she got out, but my husband threatened divorce if I made her go. She just got worse when she came home, and he ended up spending $3000 for Outward Bound, which is a private boot camp! That still didn't work. Then he sent her to his sister's in Florida when she got off probation to keep her away from the drug-dealing boyfriend. I got so fed up with all she was doing, and all the bullshit from him, I decided to divorce him. She ended up marrying, and divorcing, the boyfriend. But when she was still with him, and coming around to my ex's house, he would complain that she was stealing from him. And she would complain to me that my ex was an asshole. I finally told both of them not to complain to me because they deserved each other. She eventually moved to another county and my ex lost touch. Eight years later, he hired a private investigator to find her and discovered she was remarried and had a son. Now he's financing her nursing school and whatever she needs, and she's using him for all his money. She doens't want anything to do with me, and that's fine. She resents me because I tried to straighten her out when she was out of control. My ex is whitewashing things and letting her do whatever she wants, just like he always did. He wants to be around the grandson, so that's all he cares about. I've seen my grandson, because he brought him to me behind her back, but since I know I'll never have a relationship with his mother, I'm not attached to the child.

You can't have expectations that may never materialize. Your daughter may be so twisted that her perception of reality is nowhere near the truth. Do yourself a favor and forgive yourself for being human and making mistakes. At least you tried to correct them. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world, and most fathers just get to do the fun stuff while us mothers have to make the tough choices. Your husband is making life easy for himself and throwing you under the bus. It's time to save yourself. The best thing I ever did was divorce my husband. Four months later, I met my current husband and he's a real man. My two daughters adore him. My second daughter wants to have him formally adopt her so if something happens to her, her biological father can't get any of her military death benefits, which he would automatically get otherwise. My youngest daughter barely tolerates her dad. Whenever I tell her he's picking her up for dinner, she says, "Does he have to?" He thinks her less than warm attitude is due to her being a teenager. He doesn't know that she and my husband have a very close relationship. They even have their own trademark hug. They don't actually touch, but swing their arms at funny angles, first one way, then the other.

You don't need a husband who would put you through so much pain. Life is too short.

I'm sorry to bother ya'll again I just wrote something else to let ya'll know where things stand and what I deciced to do I hit "post answer" and looked for it to print only to find it was gone ,where did it go is it pooable to get it back?

UPDATE:
I wasn't sure if y'all got the update.
Saturday was my daughter's wedding .I went to work.I couldn't stay home and watch my husband,youngest son,future daughter in law and grandson get ready to go.
I called my husband before he left and asked him to stop by my work and get my memory card.So I could atleast get some pictures.He said okay I waited for hours.Finally I called I asked if they were gonna stop by and was informed that they already left awhile ago.We live in Delaware Co.The event was in Bucks Co.I broke down right there at work.(A total of 4 times).I was a mess.A friend of mine at work helped me and the manager in charge was real nice also.I kept busy,the day went quickly (at work).
A bad storm and winds came through,even mother nature didn't want the event to take place.The event I believe was outside.
When my husband got home we got in a big argument.Well actually I did all the yelling I told him that couldn't believe he gave our daughter to a child molester.He didn't say anything.I told him that if anything happened to our daughter it was all on him.Again he said nothing.I also told him if he was a better father our daughter wouldn't have to of gone out looking for an older guy.Again he said nothing.
I was really hoping our daughter came to her senses before it was too late.But that didn't happen.
I told my husband that he was mad at me because he kicked our daughter out,well atleast I made sure she had a safe place to stay.He made a bigger mistake he gave our daughter to a child molester.She's not safe.I told him whatever happened to our daughter is his fault.He gave me no reaction.I don't think he cares.
I don't know exactly why,but my future daughter in law came home after the event and told my oldest son that her (she's pregnant) and my grandson were leaving and going to stay at her brothers house.Then she came into the livingroom and told my husband and I that my son told her to leave.They came back the next day.I don't know what kind of game she is playing.But I have enough on my plate I don't want to play.