A Mother in desperate need of answers.

Your daughter is now a legal adult and has the right to live her life the way she chooses. If she makes a mistake, she is the one who has to live with it.

Many errors were made in the past concerning your daughter, but now is not the time to try to do anything about it. You sound like a stalker instead of a mother. You need to get yourself into counseling so you can learn to deal with your own issues and the problems in your own marriage (and you have plenty if your husband is keeping things from you) before you try and interfere in your daughters. After you straighten out your own personal mess, ask your husband to attend counseling with you.

After you are in a good place, let your daughter know you would like to re=establish a relationship with her if she is willing. But if you go it it with the attitude you have now, you are bound to fail. Take the beam out of your own eye before you think of trying to straighten out someone else's life.

This is my sister that wrote this she is truely hurting and for her to go to the public with this problem was a big step for her.I read what that one person wrote to her and I'm hoping not everyone is that mean.Know that this is a very loving and caring woman who just really loves her kids and is just looking for help.Anyone who knows this person knows how much of herself she gives.Whenever anybody needs her she is there.She has gone to this page because she did not want to burdon her family.She is very giving and now she needs help.I don't know why she doesn't feel compterble talking to her family.The only thing I can think of is that we have always leaned on her,maybe she doesn't feel she can lean on us.I don't know but she feels safe going to you please help her.And try to be nice she did nothing wrong but try to protect her children.She did the best she could.

i guess my 1st question, not that it's relevant now, is where the hell do you live that 15 is considered the age of consent with a 24 year old?? you may have been fed a load of crap. but moving on....

unfortunately, you do not have a relationship with your daughter that would allow you to give advice or make her see anything. whatever her reasons, she is going to do what she is going to do- including making some massive mistakes. there is nothing you can do at this point.

here is what i suggest: you need to see a therapist and get your feelings straightened out, because they are all over the map on this. you should also see someone with your husband, because there is a massive wedge between you and he is keeping huge secrets from you in retaliation. address it now, or your marriage is doomed.

i disagree with the previous posters tone, but i think the advice is solid- get yourself some help and then you can try to move onto developing some sort of relationship with your daughter, if that's what you want.

My replies are always meant to help. I try to cut through all the emotion and give advice that can actually help. I know I sound blunt but I see an urgent need for that right now.

This wedding is going to take place in a few days. Coddling isn't going to prevent this mother from acting on her emotions and showing up at her daughter's wedding; wrecking any chance she ever has of a future relationship with her.

Yes, it may not feel good to read that inserting onself in situations where you have been asked not to attend nor have you been invited equals stalking, even if it is your own child, but that is what it comes down to. It is not rational behavior. This child was no longer living at home (after abusing her mother) so following her around expecting some sort of relationship is counter productive and makes no sense. What should have happened is the family attend counseling before it got to this point.

The OP needs those who love her (including her sister who posted here) to ask her to get into therapy immediately - she truly needs help. Then after she has worked on her own issues, she can work on her marriage. Then perhaps there will be a chance for her with her daughter again. It would probably be best under a theraputic setting at first.

Yeah, I want to know what jurisdiction you're in, too. I find it hard to believe that 15 is considered consensual sex with a 24-yr old. Here in Georgia, two teenagers had consensual sex, but because the boy was 17 or 18 and the girl was 15 or 16, the boy lost his free ride to college and was locked up. He was eventually released, but his college dreams were trashed. I have some questions, though. Why would you want to go to her prom? My parents didn't go to my prom and I didn't go to my daughter's prom. You help them get ready, but you don't attend the event. As for the graduation, my daughter's was at the high school and you just walk in. Why would you have to climb a fence? They can't bar the parents. It's not like some graduations where they sell a limited number of tickets. As for your husband, he's taking the wrong side. Husband and wife have to stay together and provide a united front. Sometimes children go wrong, and it's heartbreaking. Let me give you a piece of advice: back off and let your daughter make her bed and lie in it. My daughter assaulted me when she was 15. My husband (now ex) didn't back me up when I wanted to send her to boot camp. He threatened me with divorce if I made her go. A year later, I decided divorce was just the ticket for me. I was tired of his bullshit. My second daughter, who was also tired of his bullshit, was a stellar child and followed all the rules. My husband all but ignored her, while he exhausted himself trying to make excuses for the first child. The first child got into drugs, dropped out of school and ran off with the drug-dealing boyfriend who she eventually married and divorced. She married a second time and has a 4-yr old son with the second husband who she's now divorcing. The ex is putting her through nursing school and he admitted I was right in the first place (about boot camp). The second child is now Air Force JAG in Germany and she won't have anything to do with her dad. The third child is also very gifted, and she barely tolerates her dad. He gave me full custody because he didn't want to pay for medical insurance. My current husband now has my daughter on his insurance. My husband is an ironworker, but my ex is a lawyer in a big law firm. I'm sure he's a millionaire, but he was too cheap to pay the $300 a month for insurance.

You have to get yourself together and give yourself some distance. I still don't talk to my first daughter, and I'm okay with that. Some relationships are toxic, and just because you're family doesn't mean you're going to be close. Give yourself permission to let go. You can love your daughter because she's yours, but you don't have to like what she does. But that husband of yours needs a good slap to the head.